Don't get screwed
by I'll kill your nemisisisis
Summary: Cartman's creativity sends him down a dark pit of bad experiences.


Disclaimer- i dont own anything

Don't get screwed!

Cartman is sleeping in his bed tossing and turning, fat swaying side to side.

**Cartmans Mom:** Wake up sweetie! It's time for you to raise your little head!

**Cartman:** Ma, life's not worth living! If I didn't have Cheesy Puffs I probably would have committed suicide already!

**Cartmans Mom:** I made your lunch and when you get dressed I'll drive you to school.

AT SCHOOL 

"**Mrs." Garrison:** We have a special speaker today class! We have managed to get James Wan to come to talk to you about creative writing.

**Kyle:** sigh great….

"**Mrs." Garrison:** You may know him as the man who directed SAW.

Class immediately is attentive

**James:** Hi…umm…yes… I believe that writing has…

Cartman raises his hand

**James:** Yes? Points to Cartman

**Cartman:** Did you ever consider hanging someone by his or her fingers and making them swing to a door across a pit?

**James:** What? For my movies? That is a horrible idea!!?

**Cartman:** Not if every you take a swing and miss, you get dropped closer and closer to the flesh-eating squirrels.

**James:** But if he is dropped lower and lower…His opportunity for the door becomes nonexistent?!

**Cartman:** heahea… I know.

**James:** I like your thinking, disturbed, but completely promising! Mrs. Garrison…I am going to take this boy to be a co-writer on my movie set!

"**Mrs." Garrison:** Umm…but Eric Cartman, he's a boy… in school…and… their such violent films…

**James:** $50 says you don't have a student named Eric Cartman.

Garrison takes the money and scans the room with her eyes

**Cartman:** Cool…sees you children later!

**Kyle:** How is that fair?

**Kenny:** Phock dah…

LATER THAT DAY IN WRITERS ROOM 

James and Cartman enter a room full of about 5 people. Cartman has his hair spiked and black sunglasses on

**Cartman:** So what are we working on today?

**James:** Well…as you were finishing off your second bag of Cheesy Puffs, I called these people and told them your idea.

**Writer 1**: It's genius!

**Writer 2:** We thought that it would be good to have you here when we go over what we have of the script.

**Cartman:** What do you people expect me to do? Roll my extraordinary imagination before your eyes?

**James:** We are paying you $500 an hour.

**Cartman:** Would you like me to roll it on the table or floor?

**James:** Well as I said before we were just going to clue you in on how the script is going and wanted your reaction, feed back, contribution… you know?

**Cartman: **Ahh… all to well my friend… tell me what you have?

**Writer 2:** Well it starts out with a man and a woman shopping for jewelry.

**Cartman:** What the fuck?! No no no… that is not what people want!

**Writer 3:** Where do you suggest we start then Eric?

**Cartman:** That is Mr. Cartman to you bitch! And I suggest that we start with the whole flesh eating squirrel idea.

**James:** But that doesn't give you a plot!

**Cartman:** You don't need a plot for the Saw movies

**James:** Yes you do!

**Cartman:** Where was the plot in the last 3 movies you ripped out of your ass?

**James:** Well… uh… there was…

**Cartman: **Silence! We will start with the squirrels, and the first line will be … "Fuck".

**Writer 1**: Can that really be the first line? It seems so simple…

**Cartman:** What would you say if you woke up to be dangling above hundreds of squirrels?

All of the writers gave a glazed over stare towards Cartman

**Cartman:** That is what I thought…

**James:** So you are saying that we are going to write this, by just saying what WE would say in the situation?

**Cartman:** How else do you write a script?

**James:** I'll tell you what everyone… we are going to meet again tomorrow to discuss the rest of this script…Here is your money for your work today Eric.

OUTSIDE NEAR STANS HOUSE 

**Cartman:** Ahhh… the smell of money… it smells better than anything else on this god forsaken world.

**Stan:** Ok fat ass. How about we just do what we do everyday and forget about your money for a little while?

**Cartman:** Fuck you!

**Kyle:** What do we do? Everyday…? I mean… like… its nothing.

**Cartman:** So much money… I am pretty sure I could buy you guys…

**Stan:** CARTMAN!

**Kyle:** I mean… we stand here… and sometimes we fight…like now…

**Cartman:** Well… I could at least buy Kyle… I hear on the streets that Jews are cheaper…

**Kyle:** That is totally uncalled for Cartman.

**Cartman:** Oh! And another thing… It's not my fault that I will be a bazillionare because I will have actually earned it.

**Kyle:** Sure Cartman, your parents will be proud to explain that all their son does is sits and thinks up ways to kill people... and get fatter.

**Cartman:** Stupid Jew.

Cartman walks away

NIGHT-CARTMANS HOUSE 

Cartman rolls around in his sleep again and wakes up from the noise of footsteps

**Cartman:** Mom?

Another quick noise

**Cartman:** Get out of my room! Uh... I will call for my Kitty on you!

**Intruder 1:** Put him in the bag! Quick!

**Intruder 2:** He's to fat… I can't pick him up!

**Cartman:** Get off of me ass wipe!

**Intruder 2: Roll** him! 1…2…rrr…3!

Cartman is shoved into a bag and is lowered out of the window (quickly and with a thud on the ground) to a third person and is then dragged to a van

Cartman faints

_**RANDOM LOCATION (REPLICA OF CARTMANS MOVIE IDEA)**_

Cartman wakes up to find himself hanging from his fingers

**James:** And…. Action!

**Cartman: **FUCK!

**James:** And …cut! That was WONDERFUL Cartman! You brought such great emphasis to the end of that line.

**Cartman:** What have you bastereds done to me?

**James:** Well… my team has decided that you were the best writer in the room… and seeing how this movie has no plot… your close to the only person in the entire movie.

**Writer 1:** And you also said that the lines should be something that you yourself would say… so that is what we are doing.

**Cartman:** What makes you think that I am not going to sew your asses?

**James:** We're paying you $1000 an hour.

Cartman takes a minute…

**Cartman:** Hmmm…so…. Is this safe?

**James:** Absolutely not… well… as you said there are some dangers… like… if you don't get to that door there are the squirrels… and… other… things.

**Cartman:** Oh HELL no… How dare you taint my movie idea! WHAT other things?

**James:** Well we thought that it would be obvious that the squirrels would kill you… so we decided to make it a bit more interesting.

**Writer 1**: But we can't tell you what will happen or else we won't have the same element of surprise.

**Writer 2:** Oh… and one more thing… when we are filming you are to direct your anger toward the person that did this to you. Not us the writers. Remember you are an actor now.

**Cartmans thought:** Oww… my fingers hurt…but a star…the red carpet for the star of a highly publicized movie…fuck yeah! Then I could hire Kyle to be my monkey servant. Yes…

**Cartman:** All right… I am ready…lets do this.

**James:** And action.

Cartman starts to panic and kicks a little bit. He hears some creepy screaming and groaning coming from the bottom of the pit. A disembodied voice starts to talk

**Disembodied Voice:** Cartman, you have spent your life, criticizing others and causing pain. Too many a people have you called, Jew, Ass wipe, and other obscene and hurtful words. You have a door before you, swing to it, and you are free to leave. You have some other options if you fail. But I would not count on them.

**Cartman:** You watch… I'll call Kyle a Jew where and when I please!

Cartman began to swing violently towards the door. He dropped a foot but caught the bottom of the door with his puffy fingers

**Cartman:** Hahaha, Jew, Jew, Jew, he's a Jew, She's a Jew, Everyone's a Jew, Jew!

A squirrel had climbed on Cartmans fingers causing him to let go and he swung to the other side of the room, he dropped 2 feet

**Cartman:** AHH! Fuck! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW _DISEMBODIED VOICE_???

No answer, but there seemed to be a light coming from the wall few feet beneath him

**Cartman:** Ok, ok… calm yourself Eric… what's another few feet…

Eric starts to swing a little and the rope starts to let him down foot by foot, the groaning getting louder until he could see what the light was…

**Cartman:** It's a fucking TV…!

Immediately the TV turned off and the groaning stopped. Attached to the Television was a letter addressed to ERIC

**Cartman:** Lets see here...

**Letter (reading letter aloud):** To Eric… how convenient! You have come a long way…down… and I decided to give you an option… an easy way out. You can ether make it all the way through my favorite TV show and be put back into your cozy bed, or you can continue your journey …down under!

**Cartman:** There isn't much I haven't seen "Sir Says A Lot"

Cartman turned the knob and the TV turned on. The groaning started again.

**Cartman:** … A porno? …Ok… well… this isn't so bad I mean… it isn't the first time I-WHAT THE FUCK! Sweet Jesus!!!! Turn it off!

**Disembodied voice:** Oh yes… you like your porn Eric don't you? Especially when your mothers on top hmm?

**Cartmans Mom:** Take me… be the bad boy you know you are!

**Cartman:** I can't do this!!! I'm sorry!!! LET ME DOWN!!!

**Disembodied voice:** I'm not sure you want that…

A strong light from above shined onto the bottom of the pit

**Cartman:** Yes yes… I can see the pit of squirrels! Please turn the TV off!

**Disembodied voice:** Eric… I will give you one last chance for you to save yourself from a messy death. Two feet below you there is a tunnel… you have to be helped into it because it is out of your reach. It is dark I would be careful.

**Cartman:** So all I have to do is walk down a fucking tunnel to live…seriously bitch?

Cartman swung, fat flying in all directions, until he reached a darkish tunnel

**Girly voice:** Swing towards me baby… well get you out of this mess

**Cartman:** Is this a trick? "Sir Shits His Bits" has made harder shit than this.

**Girly voice:** I can see the light from where I am standing… your freedom is only a little bit away… Swing child swing.

With all of Eric's might he swung towards the high voice and felt himself be pulled into the dark cave. He landed on his tummy

**Girly voice:** Lets cut you loose here…(cuts ropes from Eric's fingers)… there you go sweet child.

Cartman felt his hair being stroked…

**Girly voice:** Your such a brave young boy, so strong… and young. Would you like a back rub?

**Cartman:** ok… but this isn't going to be a love scene… because I don't do nudity! I just need to relax … you know… it was just a bit stressful...

**Girly voice:** Oh… you don't do love scenes?

A match was lit and the figure put it to the nearby torch

**Girly voice:** Because I do.

Michel Jackson was straddling Eric's back

**Cartman:** NOOO!!!

Cartman manages to knock Jackson over and start running in the dark repetitively hitting himself on the walls

**Jackson:** Child! Don't be frightened! I've only brought Mr. Oils and Mr. Lubricant…

Cartman ran into the light… which brought him great relief. James came around the corner

**James:** Cartman. That was genius! We got everything on tape!

**Cartman:** You're an asshole (heavily panting)…

**James:** More than you know… here is your 2000 dollars. (Two people dressed in black came out of the cave exit)…Have you contained him?

**Man in black #1:** Yes… Jackson is headed to a jet as we speak.

**Cartman:** What! 2000… I have just been dry raped…by Michel Jackson…Scared…by watching my parents (gag's)…

**James:** Well tata…

**Cartman:** Hold it bitch! When this goes out in theaters, I want my share of the money!

J**ames:** Theaters? What… no…I did this for a friend of mine that really hates you.

**Cartman:** Wait…I'm not a star? You BASTERED! I'll sue you!

**James:** I'm sorry… but what ever you claim… I'll deny it… I'm fricken James Wan… Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Cartman walks away… upset… and violated… he avoids Kyle and Stan and goes home."

THE END 


End file.
